Great Stuff
I found this linked to at "A Soldier's Perspective" hosted by CJ. Thought you all might get a giggle out of it. This is written by Kristian Lee, a comic in the Wilmington, N.C. area with a blog. You'll find his link below.
Dear Terrorist Suicide Bombers3 12 2006
Hi, how are you today? I’m writing this letter to you because you seem to be misguided about a few things and I feel as if you simply understood the truth you might be willing to put away your bombs and realize that there are way’s of being blown away that feel much better.
First of all I’d like to discuss this whole notion that you’ll be rewarded in Heaven following the gruesome slaughter of hundreds or even thousands of innocent men, women and children by receiving 69 virgins.
Do you really think that after strapping yourself to a bomb that you’re going to have the necessary equipment to actually do anything with these girls? “oooh a virgin! Let me go find my penis”. Are you under the illusion that you somehow explode but then magically are put back together again?
Assuming that all the kings horses and all the kings men do somehow get your johnson working again, how long do you think 69 virgins are going to last you? The thing about being a virgin is that once you tap that ass, they aren’t a virgin anymore. Soon that number’s down to single digits and you find yourself trying to conserve virgins because you have an eternity left and your prize money’s running low, so to speak. At this point you’re already getting pissed because you start to think that if you had just stayed on earth there’s an unlimited supply of virgins. Yes, you heard me correctly and if you simply shave that beard off and stop yelling “Allah rules!” at every girl who smiles in your direction then you might actually be able to score with some of them.
Last thing about the virgins before I wrap it up. There’s a very significant chance that these girls will not be willing to sleep with you. The reason that they’ve remained virgins is due to their unwillingness to put out. Even to the glorious “daytime market bomber” of Dusdfjosiduistan. You might be better off requesting 69 absolute ho’s when you arrive. If that’s the case, please take Paris Hilton with you.
Finally, when Osama’s giving you the big talk about the glory and riches that come with the suicide bomb duty, I’d take just a moment to inquire why if it’s such a great way to go out, has he spent the last 5 years living and hiding in caves? Just see what he says. If he starts fumbling his words around and won’t maintain eye contact then get the heck out of there.
Look, I know it get’s brutally hot out there in the middle east and you’re feeling a lot of stress and tension. There’s a lot of sexual repression and just the sight of a pair of ankles gets you cocked and loaded ready to squeeze one off. But before you strap that dynamite to your chest and board that subway, try my suggestion for a week and if you don’t like it you can go back to what you were doing. It’s simple “make love, not war”. Please stop blowing stuff up.
Okay, I’m gonna let you get back to work. I’ve gotta head to the grocery store too BUT I don’t think I’m gonna tell you which one. I look forward to hearing back from you.Sincerely yours,
Kristian
http://kristianlee.net/blog/
Dear Terrorist Suicide Bombers3 12 2006
Hi, how are you today? I’m writing this letter to you because you seem to be misguided about a few things and I feel as if you simply understood the truth you might be willing to put away your bombs and realize that there are way’s of being blown away that feel much better.
First of all I’d like to discuss this whole notion that you’ll be rewarded in Heaven following the gruesome slaughter of hundreds or even thousands of innocent men, women and children by receiving 69 virgins.
Do you really think that after strapping yourself to a bomb that you’re going to have the necessary equipment to actually do anything with these girls? “oooh a virgin! Let me go find my penis”. Are you under the illusion that you somehow explode but then magically are put back together again?
Assuming that all the kings horses and all the kings men do somehow get your johnson working again, how long do you think 69 virgins are going to last you? The thing about being a virgin is that once you tap that ass, they aren’t a virgin anymore. Soon that number’s down to single digits and you find yourself trying to conserve virgins because you have an eternity left and your prize money’s running low, so to speak. At this point you’re already getting pissed because you start to think that if you had just stayed on earth there’s an unlimited supply of virgins. Yes, you heard me correctly and if you simply shave that beard off and stop yelling “Allah rules!” at every girl who smiles in your direction then you might actually be able to score with some of them.
Last thing about the virgins before I wrap it up. There’s a very significant chance that these girls will not be willing to sleep with you. The reason that they’ve remained virgins is due to their unwillingness to put out. Even to the glorious “daytime market bomber” of Dusdfjosiduistan. You might be better off requesting 69 absolute ho’s when you arrive. If that’s the case, please take Paris Hilton with you.
Finally, when Osama’s giving you the big talk about the glory and riches that come with the suicide bomb duty, I’d take just a moment to inquire why if it’s such a great way to go out, has he spent the last 5 years living and hiding in caves? Just see what he says. If he starts fumbling his words around and won’t maintain eye contact then get the heck out of there.
Look, I know it get’s brutally hot out there in the middle east and you’re feeling a lot of stress and tension. There’s a lot of sexual repression and just the sight of a pair of ankles gets you cocked and loaded ready to squeeze one off. But before you strap that dynamite to your chest and board that subway, try my suggestion for a week and if you don’t like it you can go back to what you were doing. It’s simple “make love, not war”. Please stop blowing stuff up.
Okay, I’m gonna let you get back to work. I’ve gotta head to the grocery store too BUT I don’t think I’m gonna tell you which one. I look forward to hearing back from you.Sincerely yours,
Kristian
http://kristianlee.net/blog/
posted by PJ at 2:13 AM
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